Note to Reader: The American Psychological Association shows that teen stress has increased to epidemic levels and called it a medical health hazard. As parents, we severely underestimate the impact stress has on our teens. We mistakenly dismiss warning signs as “just being a teen.” The truth is that many of our teens do not have a healthy outlet to express or communicate their pent up emotions, stress, and fears. Diana’s article reminded me of the importance of connecting with teenagers and the power of “Goodnight, I Love You..”
By Diana McDaniel Hampo
Saying goodnight to my eight year old son is the easiest, most natural thing, on the planet. I lie down next to him, kiss him 14 times on the face, we talk to God, giggle then I say “Goodnight, I love you.” He’s eight so stress generally isn’t an issue in his world, unless he’s got really tough spelling words.
My teenager, on the other hand, has boatloads of stress because she’s in high school. So, saying goodnight to her is a different story. Lexie probably doesn’t want me to crawl into her bed and kiss her repeatedly, but helping her deal with stress and saying goodnight is just as important, if I can get her to unplug from the phone, Facebook and her I-Pod for thirty seconds.
The chaos and drama most kids deal with every day in high school is nearly unimaginable. I have 24 adults in my workplace; my daughter has 312 other kids in her building. I can get in my car and clear my head for an hour at lunch, teenagers aren’t allowed to leave their building. Imagine that kind of pressure. And sometimes home life can be pretty volcanic too. Unconditional love and the ability to see past their problems are two things a parent can offer their kiddo at the end of the day.
At least once a week one of my kids will come home from school, something is obviously wrong, but they don’t want to talk…about anything. Nagging rarely works (trust me I’ve tried it) but I figured out a few years ago if I create a quiet place, my daughter, Lexie, will sometimes open up. I just have to let her do it on her own schedule.
Sometimes while she’s curled up on her bed doing homework and listening to music, I’ll sit in her room and read. I don’t ask any questions or stare at her; I’m just there, reading. Nine times out of ten she’ll start talking about her homework, then her day at school and eventually she’ll get around to the issue that’s bugging her. All I have to do is be quiet and available.
If Lexie’s situation seems really dire the only stress solution might be…. ice cream. It may sound hokey but a trip alone, without siblings or her dad, to Dairy Queen or Sonic for some ridiculous towering ice cream creation helps almost every teenage situation. Ok, the ice cream doesn’t actually fix anything but it gives us a chance to escape, to turn up the radio really loud, to laugh and to talk in a fresh and neutral location about whatever it is she needs to talk about. And sometimes she doesn’t tell me what’s upsetting her but she knows I’m available and that there is a life outside high school.
Maybe, despite your best efforts, you child still doesn’t want to open up. That happens. And that’s when simply saying ‘goodnight, I love you,” means everything. When you say those words you are promising your child that no matter what, you have their back and they have your love. Maybe your child got a speeding ticket, broke up with a boyfriend, got a really bad grade and argued with you over weekend plans or eye rolling. When you say “I love you goodnight” all that mess falls away for a moment and there is only your never ending love and support.
“I love you, goodnight,” doesn’t solve problems but it does tell you child the day is over and you are still on the same team.
Sure they may squirm and sigh, they may act as though you are interrupting, but you are giving them exactly what they need and want, even if they don’t know it.
Diana McDaniel Hampo lives in Hot Springs, Arkansas with her husband, Alex. They have four children 8-23. Diana works full time in radio; she is a 2nd Degree Black Belt in Taekwondo, author of the novel Invisible Branches. Her blog hampoland.com focuses on parenting, married life and pop-culture. E-mail [email protected]
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