Obviously, kids make mistakes, but it is how we, as parents, respond to these mistakes that can make a significant difference. Our upbringing often shapes our responses, but it is possible to break the cycle. In this personal account, Kelsey shares how she is actively choosing a different parenting response to a mistake to make a positive impact.
by Kelsey Hufford
This morning my 9 year old spilled coffee (90% creamer) all over the kitchen right in the middle of the morning rush to get everyone to school on time. I’m talking all over. It spread over the entire countertop, dripped down into two drawers, down inside two lower cabinet doors, and splattered all over the floor including all down herself.
30 minutes later she had showered and changed, and I had rewashed all of the silverware as it had dripped into the organizer tray plus about 16 clean dishes and bowls, cleaned inside the drawers and cabinets, and mopped the floor twice to get up all the sticky milk and sugar.
This left about 15 minutes together before it was time to leave for school. And those minutes would be the determining factor for the rest of her day.
The whole time I cleaned I felt her eyes on me, feeling bad she had made a mess, and trying to discern if I was upset. Once it was all cleaned up I told her two things I never heard growing up but desperately needed. I sat her down, held her hands, and told her, “I love you more than any mess you could ever make, and I can’t be upset with you when I’m an adult and still make accidental messes too.”
She looked up at me, smiled and said, “Thanks for not being mad mama.”
I said, “Ya know what we have now?”
She looked at me puzzled and shrugged. “A really clean spot on the floor, and a super clean kitchen,” I winked.
Her smile got even bigger, she hugged me tight and went to spend her day at school knowing she was loved unconditionally.
I read that “clean spot on the floor” somewhere a long time ago, and it stuck with me because accidental messes were always met with yelling, belittling, and punishments growing up. It was just one of the many things that fostered an impossible drive for perfectionism and believing that I had to earn love and acceptance.
The funny thing is after she got taken to school, the dog vomited on the carpet. And while it was frustrating, I said to myself “Welp, another clean spot on the floor” while I scrubbed on my hands and knees. A few other things happened this morning that certainly weren’t how I envisioned the day going but because I had already been redirecting my brain to either find a positive or just accept that life often doesn’t go as planned, the subsequent events didn’t send me into a spiral where I just let the rest of the day and my mood go down the drain.
I’ve always tried to be gentle and strive for connection-based parenting due to my upbringing and wanting to break those cycles. But it hasn’t always looked this way. I’ve failed plenty of times and had to ask their forgiveness. And I want you to know there is nothing to sit in shame over if your parenting hasn’t or doesn’t look like this.
It’s taken many years, lots of hard looks in the mirror, and tackling traumas head on to reach this point. And I’m still far from perfect. Be willing to fail your way forward and forgive yourself along the way.
It’s not always easy to focus on the “clean spots” or shake off stuff that happens in life. But it is possible with intentionality, and it’s a cycle I am committed to breaking.
For myself.
For my children.
For their children.
For the people I come in contact with.
Life is not easy. Mistakes and accidents happen. None of us are anywhere near close to perfect. So as much as the “messes” in life are frustrating and sometimes exhausting, prioritize the relationship with yourself and your family, give grace as often as you can, and celebrate the “clean spots” you’ll have when it’s over.
Kelsey Hufford is a Certified Life & Mindset Coach, mom of 6, and advocate for personal healing and growth that leads to fulfillment, peace, and joy in the journey of life.
Contact Kelsey at Bravely You Coaching