Note to Readers: Adoption stress is undeniable for all parties associate with the adoption process. It is an anxiety filled trial of endurance and change. Adoption parents can benefit from learning to manage stress, anxiety, and fear before, during, and after receiving their child. A new life with a new child brings much joy, love, and sleepless nights to their new family. Thanks to Jewell for sharing her post adoption story.
By Jewell Tunstall
I am an adoptive mom of two beautiful children who were born in South Korea. My son is eleven years old and my daughter is five years old. We were very blessed to receive our children at a young age. My son was four months old when he arrived home and my daughter was seven months old when she arrived home.
When my husband and I experienced the adoption process for our son, we did not receive any pre-adoption education. Our agency did not advise us on how to parent an adoptive child. Because of his young age, our social worker told us to raise him as if he were a biological child. Looking back, I wish we had received much better and educated advice than that.
We let our son “cry it out” when he wouldn’t go to sleep. We let so many people hold him when he first came home. When he didn’t want to be even inches away from me, I let others take him and walk away. When he was having separation anxiety, I left him anyhow….after all he would get over it. At least that’s what everyone told us and we believed it.
Our son has struggled throughout his life with anxiety and there was a day when I used to wonder if it was something we unknowingly did in his early days and months as a family. The stress that adoptees go through, no matter what age, is tremendous. They are taken away from their birth-mother. If they are born in another country they are taken away from their caregivers that they had bonded with as well as their birth country. That’s a lot for a child to process and handle.
When we adopted our daughter thankfully we had better advisers and became more educated. Our agency was concerned about attachment issues since she was older than six months old. Also, she was in and out of the hospital in South Korea due to some health issues. We were given lots of information and did a great deal of research prior to her arrival.
Our daughter’s stress was no less than our son’s but the way we handled her arrival has made a difference in her security with us as her family. She grieved the first week home. In the middle of the night, I remember being awake with her and holding her as she pushed with all her might against my chest trying to get away. I spoke softly to her and held her tight. I slept in the same room with her the first couple of weeks and I held eye contact with her as I fed her bottles. I believe all of these things helped her to feel calmer and more secure as she adjusted to her new family and environment.
Eleven years after adopting our son, we know that he was born with some special needs. These special needs cause him great difficulty in controlling and expressing his emotions. We and his therapist have used several of Lori Lite’s resources to help our son learn to relax, re-program his thoughts and handle stress. They help him to relax his body. I wish we knew about her CDs when our son was a baby. Playing them at night may have helped him feel calmer when trying to go to sleep.
I have written a children’s book titled “Forever Family”. My book is a beautifully illustrated children’s book based on our own experience of adopting our two children from South Korea. It shares our story from referral all the way to the first months as a family. Our feelings, as well as the feelings of the birth-mother and our children, tell a touching story of unconditional and joyful love. I wanted to write a book that mentions all the changes an adoptee goes through when they arrive home. I also wanted to include the true feelings of every adoptive parent…..you will be ours forever and always. If you’d like to read my book, you may purchase it at Tunstall Development Group. I want to touch as many hearts of adoptees and their families as possible.
The Indigo Dreams Series helps adopted children manage stress and anxiety. The soothing stories and music can help children transition to their new homes. Indigo Dreams: Adult Relaxation teaches parents how to manage their own stress.
The Family Stress Management Package offers books and CDs for the entire family to learn and implement stress management into their lives.